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Q & A Jokes
(60 posts)-
Ornox
offlineCowardly DogPosted 2 years ago # -
Sheva
offlineMemberGirlfriend 6.0 vs. Wife 1.0
Comparative Trial--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources available for other applications. He is now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0, Audio Expenses16.3 and LP Buyer 999 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). During installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.
a "Don't remind me again" button
a Minimize button
An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of cache and other system resources
An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the system's hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 7.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 7.0 on top of Girlfriend 6.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 6.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should have known about. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conficts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 6.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bug Warning
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.Bug work-arounds: To avoid this bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.1 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet.
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Tech Support Suggestions
These are very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utilities & Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is indeed an operating system and designed by its creator to run everything.It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 6.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 6.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 6.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.
Some have tried to install Girlfriend 7.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings - Alimony/Child support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation.
I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you may have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of Luck,
Tech SupportPosted 2 years ago # -
A man and his wife were working in their garden, when the man looks over at
his wife and says: "Your Butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I
bet your Butt is bigger than the Barbecue."With that he got a measuring tape, measured the Barbecue Grill and then went
to where his wife was working and measured his wife's Bottom."Yes, I was right, your Butt is two inches wider that the Barbecue!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband's remarks.
Later that night, in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes
some advances towards his wife who, completely, brushes him off."What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers, "Do you, seriously, think that I am going to fire up this
Big-Ass Grill for one little sausage ????---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LIFE AFTER DEATH :
'DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?' THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
'YES, SIR,' THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
'WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE,' THE BOSS WENT ON. 'AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!PALM SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR 'PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY.'
'WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT,' THE BOY FUMED, 'THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!'CHILDREN'S SERMON :
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, 'WHAT'S IN HERE?' 'I KNOW!' A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. 'PANTYHOSE!! '
SUPPORT A FAMILY :
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, 'YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?'
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, 'WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES.'FIRST TIME USHERS! :
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, 'DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE.'PRAYERS:
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, 'NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?' 'NO SIR,' HE REPLIED, 'WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!'CLIMB THE WALLS:
'OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU,' THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. 'NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US.'
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. 'WHAT TRICK IS THAT?' SHE ASKED.
'I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT,' THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.THE MOOD RING :
MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.
THE WATER PISTOL :
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, 'I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?'
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... 'I REMEMBER!!'A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie ?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face..
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Davie . 'Giving up?'GRANDMA'S AGE:
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, '39 AND HOLDING.'
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, 'AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?'Posted 2 years ago # -
KIDS ARE QUICK!
Hello : I am sure we have all met at least one of these children!
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.Posted 2 years ago # -
Italians
A bus stops and two Italian men got on.
They sat down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she gears one of the men say the following,
“Emma come first. Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.”“You fouled-mouthed sex obsessed swine”, retorted he lady indignantly.
“Hey, coola down lady”, said the man.
“who talkin’ about a sexa?
Ima justa tellin’ my frenda how to spella “Mississippi!”I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN!
Posted 2 years ago # -
A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady
Recognizes him as real Rugby player.
They start to talk, and eventually go back to his place.They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.
On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV,
People will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his
Leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.'What's that ?' the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid
When this tattoo is seen on TV."Then the man drops his underwear and on his
Penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"
The man replies: "No, no....!!! Calm down,"
"It will say ADIDAS in a minute..........!!!"Posted 2 years ago # -
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway... "Ahh, that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"
Posted 2 years ago # -
Sumez
offlineHuge memberFANTASTIC joke
Posted 2 years ago # -
Glad you like it FANTASTIC Sumez. I know it takes you a while to get the jokes... blame it on genes :P
Posted 2 years ago # -
THE LOVE DRESS
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked In. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing? " she asked.
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work. " The daughter-in-law answered.
'But you're naked! " the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.
'Love dress? But you're naked! "
'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.
'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages Me for hours."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
Dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
'What are you doing? " he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner? "
Posted 2 years ago # -
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,
"What man here will buy a woman drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"Posted 1 year ago # -
Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.
Later that night.... Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to the knee
Posted 1 year ago # -
djtekslave
offlineMemberWhere do you get those Nader ? Keep em comin'
Posted 1 year ago # -
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my
wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.""So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how you doing?"
Posted 1 year ago # -
Problem-solving: with age comes wisdom
A young farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
Posted 1 year ago # -
panzerschreck
offlineMemberMore Nader! More!
Posted 1 year ago # -
The Other Sumez
offlineMemberAre you guys serious?
Ok, that last one was sort of amusing.
Posted 1 year ago # -
The Age Gap
At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely
25 year old.Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides
that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate
bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband
may over exert himself if
they spend the entire night together.After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares
herself for bed and the expected
knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and
there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They
unite as one. All
goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go
to sleep.After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on
her bedroom door, and it's Roger,
Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents
for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his
bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you
guessed it - Roger Is back again,
rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for
more 'action'. And, once more
they enjoy each other.But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young
bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly
impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I
have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only
good once. You are truly a great
lover, Roger.'Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and
says: 'You mean I was here already?'The
moral of the story:Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has
its advantages.Posted 1 year ago # -
Ornox
offlineCowardly Doghaha!
Posted 1 year ago # -
Why do Sharks swim around you before attacking.
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean,
Spied a small boat in distress."Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the boat.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.When they were both gorged, the son asked,
"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"Posted 1 year ago #
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