Q & A Jokes « Industrial Music forum

Industrial Music forum » Music news discussion forum

Q & A Jokes

(60 posts)

Started 2 years ago by Electro Aggression Records-EAR
Latest reply from djtekslave

1 2 3 Next »

Electro Aggression Records-EAR

offline
Member

1. Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted,

dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

3. Meaning of WIFE

1. Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted,

dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

3. Meaning of WIFE

WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

4. Losing all your friends
Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.

Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'

5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential? '
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '

6. Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back.

How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush .'

Posted 2 years ago #
krushyou

offline
Member

Funny, remember we have an edit button now, you posted the same jokes twice.

Posted 2 years ago #
Electro Aggression Records-EAR

offline
Member

Oops my bad.

Posted 2 years ago #
Electro Aggression Records-EAR

offline
Member

When Pedro and Maria got married, he was a very experienced
man, but she was totally naïve.
On their wedding night, when Pedro removed his clothes, Maria said,
‘Pedro! What is that?'
Pedro was a quick thinker.
'Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these.'
And then he proudly showed her what it was for. Maria was happy.

After the honeymoon was over, Pedro returned to work, only to return
home to find an upset Maria waiting on their front porch.
'Pedro, you said you were the only man in the world with one of those
and yet today, when I saw Gonzalez changing his clothes behind the shed,
he had one, too!'

Ever fast on his feet, Pedro said, 'Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my best friend.
Since I had two, I gave him one. So he is the only other man in the world with one.'

A sceptical Maria accepted this answer, but when Pedro returned home the next
day, an agitated Maria was waiting on the porch.

'Maria? Now what's wrong?'

'Dammit, Pedro. You gave the better one to Gonzalez!'

Posted 2 years ago #
Electro Aggression Records-EAR

offline
Member

Judging Others

An elephant asked a camel, "Why are your breasts on your back?"

"Well," said the camel, "I think that's an inappropriate question from somebody whose dick is on his face."

Posted 2 years ago #
Electro Aggression Records-EAR

offline
Member

Man & Woman

Believe it or not!!!!!
Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr. in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!

Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman....
Why?
BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist
AND .
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HISterectomy.

Posted 2 years ago #
Electro Aggression Records-EAR

offline
Member

GHOST SEX

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the
supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in
ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands. !

'Well, that's a good start.. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do
any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

' Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic . Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been
giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his
way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell
us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Bubba replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said Goats!!!!!

Posted 2 years ago #
Electro Aggression Records-EAR

offline
Member

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up. Like the priest said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it.... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain.. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you

Posted 2 years ago #
Electro Aggression Records-EAR

offline
Member

A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down, and his fly wide open.
His secretary walked up to him and said, 'Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage-door?'
This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his Office looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done with his paper-work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up! He zipped it up and remembering what his secretary had told him, finally understood.
He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary.
When he reached her desk, he said, 'When you saw the garage-door open did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'
The secretary smiled for a moment and said, 'No, Boss I didn't. All I saw was a Mini cooper with 2 flat tires!'

Posted 2 years ago #
Electro Aggression Records-EAR

offline
Member

Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!
========================
[] Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...
========================
[] New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.
==========================
Q: Why is $ex like shaving?
A: Well, because no matter how well u do it today... tomorrow u'll have to do it again...
==============================
Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday & women will bleed to death.
==============================
Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed..
=================================
Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When u pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when u pull down the PANTY..... it is SHOWTIME !
=================================
[] Advantages of having an affair with a married woman.
They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!
=================================
[] My dad told me that if Adam & Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise. Why?
Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!

Posted 2 years ago #
Electro Aggression Records-EAR

offline
Member

A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said : " Well, you need three things : A can of red paint, a can of blue paint, and a shovel.."

The man was astonished and asked :
"So what do I do with these?"

The doctor replied : " Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball in red and the other ball in blue...

If she says(That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen ),

you hit her head with the shovel !!"

Posted 2 years ago #
Electro Aggression Records-EAR

offline
Member

A man watching a football game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife..

"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said.
"You already know how to play football!

Posted 1 year ago #
Ornox

offline
Cowardly Dog

lol

Posted 1 year ago #
Electro Aggression Records-EAR

offline
Member

Making a baby. This is hilarious!There is not one swear word in it, and it is funny!--

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh.......equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's too big to be held in the hand very long.'

......Mrs. Smith fainted

Posted 1 year ago #
Electro Aggression Records-EAR

offline
Member

A grade 5 teacher one day asked the children in her class to make rhymes with their names.

First up was Dan.

'My name is Dan,
When I grow up to be a man,
I want to go to India and Japan,
If I can, If I can, If I can. '

'Very good', the teacher said to Dan.

She then asked Sally that it was now her turn.

'My name is Sally,
When I grow up to be a lady,
I want to have a baby,
If I can, if I can, if I can.'

'That is good Sally,' the teacher said. 'But maybe one day you will change your mind.'

Next up was Little Johnny. He was the naughty one in the class. Here is his rhyme:

'My name is Johnny,
When I grow up to be a man,
Never mind India and Japan,
I'm going to help Sally with her plan,
I know I can, I can, I can.'

Posted 1 year ago #
Electro Aggression Records-EAR

offline
Member

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Ok, sweetheart, let me explain. To make things simple, we will call your very private place The Prison and call my very private thing The Prisoner.So what we do in sex, is put the Prisoner in the Prison. And then they made heavenly love for the first time. Later, the couple liedown, smiling with blissful satisfaction. Nudging her groom, the bride giggles, "Honey, the Prisoner seems to haveescaped." Turning on his side, the groom smiles, "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After making love for the second time, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the bride, thoroughly enjoying the new delightful and thrilling experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the Prisoner is out again!" The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently bornfoal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, "Honey, the Prisoner escaped again." Limply turning his head, he yells at her, "Hey, it is not a life sentence,Okay????

Posted 1 year ago #
Cult of the Bleeding Toe

online
Always Confused

lol life sentence!

Posted 1 year ago #
Electro Aggression Records-EAR

offline
Member

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL. THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,

'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!"

Posted 1 year ago #
Electro Aggression Records-EAR

offline
Member

CATHOLIC COFFEE

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

Posted 1 year ago #
Electro Aggression Records-EAR

offline
Member

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and
asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way..'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq.'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

Posted 1 year ago #

RSS feed for this topic

1 2 3 Next »

Reply »

You must log in to post.